Sitting in a backyard surrounded by 40 or so Italian women. It happens to me about once a month when the group of Italian ladies who live in LA meet for an evening of merriment, food – a lot of it – and alcohol. Oh, and good company. Not one to join groups easily, actually I do have an aversion to any gathering of more than six people, what started as a lark to practice my mother’s tongue on a regular basis, has now become an event I sort of look forward to. The gamut of participants runs from women in their 70′s to hipper 30 year olds, with pretty much everything in between: it’s somewhat of an insular crowd, with ties to the Consulate and strong roots “back home”.
Many of them seem to commute on a regular basis and at first it was hard for me to relate to most of them, what with my nomadic instincts, my cultural full immersion and the rejection of everything Italian I wasn’t too fond of – yes, there are facets to the bel paese anyone would be willing and happy to reject. Someone asked me at our latest gathering if I knew of a good Catholic Church on the Westside and I had to swallow hard not spatter my margarita over her dress – after 15 years in LA I am not aware of a single Catholic Church, west or east side, and I just demurred, skipping over my churchgoing days ending over three decades ago. Another woman expressed such a bigoted opinion I had to remove myself from the table for fear of starting a not so pleasant debate. After all, we were celebrating one of the ladies going back to Italy for good, her stint at the Consulate over. And assholes are to be found in any culture.But as I was sitting around surveying the beautiful garden enveloped by the June gloom, I started to do a mental inventory of the traits common to most Italian women and, taking into account the two margaritas already in my belly which might have clouded my judgement somewhat, here is what I came up with:
1. Italian women might drink alcohol but do not get drunk. It would be unseemly and in poor taste and god forbid we might look foolish.
2. Italian women eat. A lot. Unlike their Los Angeleno counterparts who lunch on salads with dressing on the side and sip strictly unsweetened iced tea, we pile our plates, we go back for seconds and we never skip dessert. Somehow, there were no fat people in the room which brings me to number
3. Italian women do not drink sodas. It’s not served at parties because it would clash with the food anyway. And it makes you burp, another activity frowned upon.
4. Speaking of which, Italian women are absolutely convinced there is no better food than Italian. They will proclaim it to anyone who would listen, they will politely venture for ethnic on occasion and then pronounce their sentence: Italian food is just better.
5. Unlike French women, who need to be chic no matter the occasion, Italian women dress well, but they have to be comfortable and they skew towards the classics rather than the adventurous. When I went through my pirate phase I put a lot of friendships on the line but I mercifully got over it before it was too late.
6. Hair and make-up. Little makeup – too much is “clownesque” in their view and hair should be neat but not overcoiffed that’s toooo American. During my brief survey, I found that to be true of everyone present.
7. Italian women like to talk. Preferably loudly. Sometimes inappropriately.
8. Italian women cherish motherhood, even those who are not mothers themselves. I stood out as the proverbial sore thumb. But they do make good and caring mothers, I will have to admit to that. To a fault.
9. Italian women would never wish to be anything else other than Italian – but that goes for their male counterparts too.
10. Italian women make good friends – maybe it’s true of every culture but because they are so warm, accustomed to large families and they love to talk and eat, they tend to find ways to coexist with rivalries, gossip, stubbornness and, sometimes, even hypocrisy.
This was by no means a survey with a scientific approach but I had fun conducting it. Feel free to chime in.
Love it all. I would add: Italian women know how to have love affairs. They don’t shy away from them, they immerse themselves in them and they often stay on good terms with the most tumultuous of lovers.
you discribed us perfectly, but I would add:
“italian women never talk about money “. It is unpolite.
ciao
Never too late right? Applying your research to other targets – because we have to remember that the circle of women you examined represent a small portion of Italian society, all points can be argued except one: number 7 which I think is a mile stone of our race. No matter where in the world you are you can easily recognize Italians (that’s also true for men) by the loudness of their voices, something I admit I am not very proud of.
Italian women are very jealous,we keep an eye on our men,and they love to have the last word,intelligence follows in their instincts. We also have a strong personality,leadership is among a lot of us. HYGIENE! cleanliness is important!
Thank you Natalia! I am the exception to the rule when it comes to jealousy but I take your point. And I couldn’t agree more on the cleanliness, sometimes bordering on obsession. And yes, we are bossy, in a good way (sort 0f)
My new girlfriend is Italian we are both 50 years old and have to agree with everything said , she also has a heart of gold and is the most passionate lover i could ever imagine . She defends her values like a lioness and is sometimes very idealistic. She loves her fashion mainly shoes and hair seem to be paramount ..but what i love most about her she makes sure that i look my best always ..she will correct my posture tuck my shirt in and undo buttons here and there altogether she is the most amazing person ever and im so happy ..thankyou Italy xxx
I am so glad a member of our tribe has brought so much bliss to your world. We are stubborn, sometimes argumentative (in my case, always) and bossy but, in the end, we aim to please. And you sound like like a lovely man who takes her comments and suggestions in stride, happy to oblige in her quest to make you look your best. Never attempt to buy her shoes as a surprise gift but a gift card to Loubouitin or Sergio Rossi will rock her world. Good luck to you both
Sorry to say that what started off as the most beautiful relationship ive ever had has now gone sower i have taken her on trips bought her flowers every week and little gifts written romantic poems txt her every morning and night when we are apart fixed her flat fed her cat when she was away massaged her for hours scratched her back for her for hours tell her she is beautiful and i love her with all my heart i cook for her take her for drinks and enjoy all of this and would do anything for her ..now she seems distant and wants to start an argument mostly about my x family i am distraught now because have realised as much as i love her it cant go on for ever and i cant find the courage to be without her or tell her ..she says she loves me but she can not stop herself interferring..
Dear Chris, I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. Far from being an agony aunt, the only suggestion I can give you (and it’s really unItalian of me) is to possibly stop from trying to make her happy no matter what and confront her head on. Wouldn’t it be better to know what the underlying problems are and maybe confront them head on and fix them? I don’t know either of you so I might be completely off the mark here but I wish you both a lot of luck. You sound like nice people.
My son received 2 masters degrees from Bocconi in Milano. He lives on the Ligurian coast. He is 34 years old, is fluent, good looking and has a good job. He has lived in Italy for almost 6 years. The bad news is that he can not find a girl friend. He would like to find one and get married. The social scene is very closed to outsiders. How can he meet women and develop a positive relationship? He is a skilled classical violinist and we have suggested joining a community orchestra. He is not a churchy guy, so that is out. He is on the verge of giving up his job and moving back to the states.
Dear Peter, as an Italian woman living in the States, all I can tell you is that the Ligurian coast, especially smaller towns, might not be the most welcoming place to live for a young, single male. I doubt your son had a shortage of girlfriends while studying in Milan, where all kinds of cultures collide. Any university town, such as Florence, Bologna, Padova, will offer many more opportunities to meet likeminded people.
Your son should also bear in mind that Italian women of that age, unlike in the States, might not be in a terrible hurry to marry and have kids. Most of my girlfriends in longstanding relationships live with their men without necessarily being married.
Having moved to different cities around the world always by myself, I can attest it always paid off to join “something” that sparks your imagination. Not every drama, skating or cooking class paid off. But yoga classes and gyms did. In Italy especially, conviviality around the table begets acquaintances. And at the risk of sounding a bit of an old fashioned feminist, has your son considered that starting off every relationship as if it could/should lead to the altar could be a put off?
I wish him all the best of luck and I invite my Italian gals to chime in if they feel like it. (By the way, there are countless amateur orchestras up and down the boot so your idea is definitely spot on)
Thanks for the article. I’ve met an Italian women last week. She is so gorgeous and sweet. Any tips and suggestions to make her more happy and meet her interests? Any do’s and dont’s? Although as of now, i can see that see likes me.
Im a Filipino btw.
she*
Hi Jack Pot,
And thank you for your comment. Well, without knowing either of you, my suggestions would be to flirt your way for a bit and see if she goes along. We do like to flirt.
Be unfailingly polite (we tend to like manners) and put some care in your appearance ( I am sure she is into clothes…). If you take her out for dinner, you should probably avoid Italian restaurants. Above all, and the hardest of all, be yourself. It’s the only way to know if you are compatible, no? Good luck. And I would like it if you kept me posted.
Hello claudiagiulia,
Thank you. your basic info is somewhat exact and your tips are what she also wants as i see it. you are cool.
Good luck! I really do want to know the developments!
Enjoyed your post! (I especially appreciate how you take risks and are not intimidated to say what you REALLy think.) Your list reminded me a lot of Greek, and even Peruvian, women I know. I love the way we “know how” to eat and enjoy food. I also enjoyed your responses to your readers; insightful, intelligent advice. You are a fantastic writer–now take these ideas and write your book! filakia, Kim
Thank you for your support. Coming from you, it really means a lot to me
Yeah Italian women are nice, its a shame the men aren’t, and its also a shame that out of the 6 Italian women ive known 5 of them ended up in abusive relationships that they CHOSE to stay in year after year to the point of insanity….
You Italian ladies are beautiful and make amazing mothers, just try to make sure the fathers half decent too yeah?
Let me spare a word in defense of Italian men who can indeed sometimes be chauvinistic and insanely attached to their mothers. But I can count a few Italian boyfriends who were caring and fun and smart and ended up getting dicked around by yours truly. I think women, Italian or otherwise, end up staying in bad relationship way past their due dates for very many reasons, on hindsight, none of them valid. But thank you for sharing from downunder – I appreciate it.
unfortunately the italian woman I came across was very egoistic, unrealistic and too much in to her looks. Even though she realises am the best one ever come in her life but never gave it a serious shot (don’t know why?). Now I have moved on with someone else as I could not bear that anymore.
But overall and generally Italians are lovely people.
Well, John some traits like self-centerdness and vanity are common to many of us, regardless of ethnicity or origin. But thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best of luck with your new girl!
Very handy article. I met this Italian lady recently who simply took my breath away. Personally, I have just come out of a messy break up and she has been really supportive through out it all.
I take her out to places that I am confident she likes. Her appearance is immaculate and her personality is so much better than what she gives it credit for.
She has been through a couple of messy break ups as well, so I guess kind of understands. She does put herself down a little based on her past, but I guess that mixed with her overall confidence and exuberance is what has caused me to become a little infatuated with her. She tells me what she is cooking (what I thought was a simple Bolognese) which sounded amazing… also did not help that her voice is so incredibly sexy. Any how, I must be coming across as some kind of freak at the moment.
I am going out with her again next week and though we are close friends wondered what would be the best way to properly ask her out and ask about a relationship? We have been flirting like crazy and know each others past a little too well.
Dear Oscar,
Thank you for stopping by. From what you say, it sounds like there might be a basis to take this relationship further. Having said that, before braoching the topic of a relationship stone cold, my suggestion would be to take her out to a romantic dinner or an evening out (theatre/movie etc) and kiss her goodnight. And see how it goes from there….good luck and please let me know what develops.
Hi Claudia,
She doesn’t eat that much… But taking her out for Japanese. She dresses immaculately… But always in heels. Kind of feel bad for her at times when we are walking about.
Regarding the kiss, we have been pecking eac other on the cheeks like friends would do. I have been away recently and she has been messaging me like crazy. We are not dating yet, but you would think that we are a husband and wife couple with the amount of messages.
It’s a bit of a tough one as I do not want to loose her as a friend, but over time have developed strong feelings for her and judging by recently, I think there are some feelings as well.
Have been reading up on to dos and not to dos – order still rather than sparkling water, usual gentleman stuff… We talk about our families but only that our brothers are superior to each of us.
Well, will do my best. Thanks for the advice.
Oscar
Don’t sweat it too much and be yourself. It always wins in the end. It sounds like she is really interested in you.
Sent from my iPad
Thanks Claudia,
Guess that’s the key at the end of the day… Guess you it’s like that song by dess’ree – you gotta be.
End of the day if I’m not the right guy, I just want to see her happy… She has had a rough time with guys and has yet to date a guy who has not been Italian.
At the end of the day she is the first person that I want to speak to and the person I go to on Saturdays. Beyond the stunning looks, her confidence but yet mistakes make her adorable to myself.
Just don’t want to see her get hurt, but at the same time feel she could be the one.
Oh well, just be myself and see what happens.
Thanks for the tips again (I really need to begin learning Italain properly)
Oscar