Love is a dirty business. As women, fresh from the indoctrination of fairy tales and happy ever after stories, we embark on finding true love early in life, whatever our idea of it might be. Boys….not sure what boys are after once they figure out the best way to satisfy their hormonal needs but, judging from the brisk business of dating sites the world over, they are also looking for love in all the wrong places.
Love is not for the faint of heart. We post flattering photos, write clever and witty profiles about ourselves, about our likes and dislikes, our material and spiritual goals and, by so doing, we hope to separate the wheat from the chaff, trimming our search down to the truly desirable (or so I am told, as my information in this department is purely second-hand). This process is not so different from inhabiting the facade we all create to interact with the world – be it business, friends or lovers, it’s the best of us we want everyone to see. Therein lies the problem.
First of all, forget giving it a try with someone with whom the proverbial chemistry is not there on the assumption that it might grow on you. No, it won’t . Like animals in all kingdoms, our mating rituals are determined by hormones, pheromones and chemical reactions – whether you belive on the fittest of the species theory (i.e. who can give us the most babies) or not, our first instincts are all based on physiological reactions, so there is no point denying that urge or pretending it will develop. It’s what happens after, once the bouquets of flowers have faded, the romps in all corners of the house decreased, the life stories start repeating themselves and we are simply left with each other.
Love is hard. Walk behind the Hollywood set of our cleverly put together facades and we are confronted with the less desirable facets we hope our partner will take in his/her stride. That moment of reckoning is bound to happen to all of us, over and over again, blissfully married or dating for ten minutes.
Love requires an enormous amount of letting go: of ourselves, of our preconceived notions of what a relationship should be, of our plans and, above all, of our ideals in the love department. Compromising and acceptance are par for the course but what I am talking about is the crude and impossibly difficult unveiling of ourselves in front of another human being. This is me, with my very packed Samsonite of fears, shame, rage, meanness, vengeance, criticisms, treachery, humiliations and bad intentions. Behind my brilliance, my accomplishments, my beauty, my riches, even my Zen attitude to life, this is the miserable sod I can sometimes be. Now what?
Love takes courage. Twice. The courage to love not only another human being’s imperfections but also their darkest corners. And the courage to believe that we can be loved for all our appalling shortcomings.
It would be tempting to put all that in the next Match.com ad. But, then again, why spoil the surprise?